Wednesday, April 13, 2011

at least it wasn't black swan

I had my first anxiety dream about breastfeeding last week.  Right now, before anyone gets any ideas, I would like to make it clear that I am definitely not pregnant.  I am 110% sure that it was my anxiety about another topic that caused me to dream about having a baby - a newborn that I had to give formula because breastfeeding was not working.  And I was heartsick about it - partially because I really wanted it to work, and partially because I did not want to tell people that I was giving my baby formula.

That's pretty strange, right?  On the one hand, why would my anxiety be manifested in a dream about something I have never done, instead of the usual math test dream?  On the other hand, breastfeeding - whether or not women are choosing to breastfeed, what they wear while breastfeeding, where they breastfeed, how long they breastfeed, whether or not they give up too soon, how many times they see a lactation consultant, etc.  -  seems like the most judgement-y topic among women my age right now.

I hear about it a whole lot, it seems.  And I get that I don't have the personal experience of you know, having a kiddo, that would give this more credence - but I think that if ever there was a time that a woman would need/want/pray for the support of other women, it would be right after giving birth.   I am sad to know that women feel judged at such a vulnerable time.  

I hope that someday it will work out for me (the benefits are awesome, after all).  I really really hope that this particular dream won't come true.   But I hope even more that if it just isn't working, I will be able to make peace with the situation - and have the support of my friends.

And if anybody needs someone to tell them that sometimes you have to make parenting decisions that you are not thrilled about - and that does not make you a bad mom (or dad) - give me a call.  I will be glad to be that person.

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